I stopped watching The Bachelor years ago. It seemed that no matter whom he picked, it would never last. I didn’t believe that an eligible guy on a TV show, who’d had 25 women hand-picked specifically for him, could find a wife. As fate would have it, I happened to have my TV on ABC when the season premiere was on. I found myself watching and I’m glad I did.

As a dating expert, I look at things through different eyes than most. I noticed something that may explain why the relationships usually end. For a man to be attracted to a woman, he needs to feel like a man. He cannot be attracted to a woman who behaves like a man. Male energy is about “doing.” Female energy is about “being.”

As the women stepped out of the limo and met the man they hoped to marry, they were behaving like men. They said “hello” first, gave compliments (or gifts), asked questions and drove the conversation—all masculine traits.

A better approach would have been to step out of the limo and smile without saying anything. This signals interest and lets him be the first one to speak. As Dr. Pat Allen, author of Getting to “I Do” says, “He who speaks first is male (energy).”

The woman should not lean in to hug or kiss him. She would stand out from the other competitors by showing him that she is confident and doesn’t feel the need to display any physical affection with someone she’s just met. He would see her as someone who may be a bit harder to get than the other women. It would give him something to work for while making him feel like a man. This makes a real attraction much more likely.

Finally, the most she should say would be something like, “It’s so nice to meet you” or, “I look forward to getting to know you.” By giving compliments, gifts and initiating conversation, the woman is taking on the male role and the man will soon be turned off. Men want women who look like women and act like women, not women who look like women and act like men!

Lucia,
Your observations on The Bachelor sound like they are out of the Stone Age! Women should not act differently to "catch" a man or because they are on a TV show. He would dump her anyway if she was not who she appeared to be once the cameras quit rolling. I think that is more of the problem than a woman being "too aggressive" in your eyes, or not playing "hard to get."
There are all types of men and women in this world and there are men who love a strong, aggressive woman. My husband said what attracted him to me is that I did not play games, and he loved it that I am sexually open and there was no agenda. Yet I am sexy and feminine at the same time. He said a woman who is all frills and is too needy is a turn off! A man will see through it eventually, and it will end badly.
Your generalizations of females from watching a TV show are really ridiculous. You are supposed to be an enlightened woman. It doesn't sound like it at all.
—Anonymous

Hi Anonymous,
Thank you for saying that I am enlightened and because I consider myself as such, I am willing to make observations which some people may not agree with.
I didn’t come to my conclusions just from watching the show. I already knew that most men need to feel like men in order to be attracted to a woman. Psychiatrist Dr. Paul Dobransky, who has been a guest on my show, discusses this in his book How We Fall in Love.
You’re right that some men prefer a more aggressive woman; however, they are in the minority. Jungian therapist Dr. Pat Allen refers to them as “Feminine-Energy Men” in her book Getting to “I Do”. It’s quite possible your husband falls into this category.

I didn’t say anything about playing games, or being frilly or needy, but it’s interesting that’s how you chose to interpret my words. I am not telling women to not be themselves. If anything, it’s the opposite. It’s when women behave like men that they are not being themselves. I believe a lot of the problems between men and women in today’s society are because women have forgotten or have never known how a real woman behaves.

In the spirit of harmony between the sexes, I am reminding women that being a woman is about being, not doing.

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