INsite Magazine Poked You

Monday, 19 July 2010 13:07

You’re still in your PJs trying to remember what happened last night—but that cutie who just “poked” you doesn’t have to know. Oh yeah, remember him? Welcome to dating in the Facebook era.

By Cindy Taveras; Crowd interviews and photos by Madison Beerbohm

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Some might assume that women don’t appreciate using Facebook as a form of courtship, but that isn’t so, says April E. Mezardjian, 20, agricultural education and communication major at the University of Florida. “For our age bracket, it’s kind of a normal way of communication.”

As long as April isn’t being solicited for a “booty call” or other sketchy requests, she welcomes Facebook courtship. “I don’t think there’s really a right or wrong way to approach dating, as long as you follow through with good intentions,” she says.

In fact, April met her ex through Facebook. “It wasn’t as awkward as hanging out,” she says. “With Facebook, it’s easier for people to be themselves.” For her, the back-and-forth messaging was less intimidating than an awkward first date.

Faces in the Crowd

Relationship expert and LA radio talk-show host Lucia, who supports using Facebook for courtship, thinks today’s society is the product of the digital age. “Internet dating has been around for the last 10 years or so,” she says. “It just seems like everyone’s on it. It’s a more casual approach [to dating].” Dr. Helen Cadiz, a local psychologist, says people are drawn to sites like Facebook because, “We live in a fast-paced, technically oriented society.”

While probing in the lives of others is a plus, others prodding in yours can be annoying. And that whole “be yourself” freedom might prove not so straightforward.

“You have to think twice about what you’re going to post on your wall,” Lucia says. “So you can’t really be yourself.” Additionally, a crush shouldn’t know too much, too soon because without mystery, you’re just an open book, she says.

By now, most users assume that what they read—or even see—on Facebook isn’t always what they get. “You can have fun with back-and-forth banter, but this behavior may not always translate to courteous and gallant behavior in the person,” Cadiz says. Developing intimacy skills takes practice. “Internet dating sites can potentially reduce the need for learning these valuable and necessary skills,” she says, adding that without intimacy, couples struggle to maintain healthy relationships.

Also, people can easily assume false identities online. Some of us have even fallen victim to these shams, mistakenly accepting friend requests only to be embarrassed by bizarre comments later.

Perks. Or is it Pokes?

Whether choosing a meal for the night or finding a life mate, people like being in control, which is why Greg Halstead, a 23-year-old anthropology major at UF, prefers to sift through Facebook pages for potential matches.

“The most exciting thing is that it allows you to find commonality with a woman who you might find attractive, and it allows you to do it on your terms,” he says. “Sometimes, when you speak to someone in person, you’re not fast on your feet. Facebook lets you think about what you want to say.”

Approaching crushes through Facebook could bolster chances for romance, especially for not-so-smooth talkers, Lucia says, supporting Greg’s assertion.

“A lot of people aren’t necessarily good in person or on the phone,” she says.

Despite being confident, handsome and well-dressed, albeit less aggressive than other men, Greg rarely pursues women in person. He would rather admire a beauty from afar, find out her name from a mutual friend, then fire off a friend request later.

“I’m one of the men who thrives using Facebook,” Greg admits. So much so that when he was approached through Facebook for an interview with INsite, he boldly replied, “You’re foxy. I think I would like to talk to you more.”

In person, however, Greg’s brazen personality is diluted. “When communicating (in person) with the opposite sex, I’m not aggressive at all,” he says. He doesn’t like to compete for a woman’s attention at clubs.

Perhaps Samuel Jokich, 22, is the quintessential example of this type of courter. When wooing women, he almost always turns to Facebook. He even has a standard pick-up line: “Where have I met you before? I usually remember the cute ones.”

For those without a conscience, Facebook can even aid with vengeance, says one 25-year-old UF grad who doesn’t want to be named. We’ll just call him “Dan.” Shortly after moving from Gainesville to Miami for a job a couple of years ago, Dan’s girlfriend dumped him.

“It broke my heart,” he says. But when a “beautiful blond” from Orlando took interest in him via Facebook, he felt a little better. He eventually drove to Orlando to meet the blond, only to discover that he’d been a pawn in her spiteful plot. Turned out her ex had cheated on her with Dan’s ex, and she wanted revenge.

“At first we were just hanging out to spite the people who screwed us over,” he says. “But we ended up hitting it off and dating for a long time.”

Unfriend.

Avoid tacky behavior, April warns. Women are offended when suitors send multiple messages/friend requests to multiple women. “I usually don’t add him as a friend because I’m probably just clumped with the rest of them,” she says. “He probably just went on a friend search.”

Tasteless, vulgar messages are also a no-no. In addition to an automatic friend-request denial, inappropriate suitors may also end up blocked, April says. Even relationship expert Lucia has first-hand experience with sleazy suitors.

“Someone sent me a friend request, and I sent him to my fan page,” she shares. “And he was like, ‘Well, actually, I just want to have sex with you.’ Deleted him quickly.” Coming on too strong can be a turnoff.

“A lot of guys come at women sexually,” Lucia says, “and obviously that’s not going to work a lot of the time.” Instead, she suggests leaving comments that reveal a little about your personality. Even messages, she warns, can be too forward if the person doesn’t know you that well.

Greg isn’t a fan of vulgar messages, either—that is, from men. Even though he’s straight, he says his inbox gets inundated with messages from interested men. “The stuff they say is really out of control,” he admits. The messages usually propose sexual favors in detail. “It’s very strange,” he says. “It’s very awkward for me. Men are just really forward.”

And, of course, never break a law to land a date. Evan Fabico, 23-year-old journalism major at UF, knows a story that should chill every man to his core. A 20-year-old man whom Evan went to high school with was nabbed by local police for trying to seduce a girl he’d met on Facebook who he thought was 16. Turns out, his date was set up and filmed by To Catch a Predator, a show dedicated to catching online pedophiles, and leaked to local news stations.

“Apparently he’d also driven something like 80 miles to see her,” Evan says. “There was tape of it all over the news for weeks, and everybody heard about it. His whole family was shamed.”

Not Attending.

Not everyone has joined the Facebook-courtship bandwagon. Diana Feng, a 21-year-old Chinese major at UF, developed an aversion to all forms of online dating after she was bombarded with (and, consequently, scarred by) inappropriate IMs from random old men when she was just a prepubescent child.

“Personally, I hate it,” she says, referring to Facebook courtship. “I think it’s cowardly. I prefer things the old fashioned way.” For Diana, confidence is crux. A man’s got to be able to approach her if he wants a date—that is, when she’s single.

Diana has been in a relationship for six months. She met her boyfriend, Marshal, at UF’s Southwest Recreation and Fitness Center. He saw what he liked, approached her, engaged her in small talk and then a few weeks later he asked her out. That, Diana believes, is how it should be done.

“If someone, you know, liked me, I would like for him to tell me to my face,” she says. “Ideally, it would not be done over the Internet at all. You just lose that personal touch.”

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